Facade.

The obligatory introduction seems a good way to start this blog. Who I am is an interesting question. I suppose expressing myself in this blog and getting feedback might help me explore the answer to that. I used to think I knew, only to realize my growth as a person has somewhat halted. If it sounds like I'm avoiding the question, that's been part of the problem. The inescapable feeling that you were born the wrong gender sort of encourages this.

The inclination toward changing sexes has always been with me for as long as I can remember. I started going out in public as a female (when I could) in my late teens and eventually stopped in my mid-twenties. I thought that I had finally gotten a grip on myself, and the rationalizations made quite a bit of sense and lasted several years. I'd become much more like a brain in a jar in certain ways in how I viewed my body. I convinced myself that to transition from male to female would be harmful in several ways such as:

1. It would involve destroying parts of my body both surgically and chemically. This seemed at the time to be a bad health decision.
2. My potential professionally was probably better as a male rather than a transsexual. While I like the ideal that business will be so accepting, I do not believe the world is this way.
3. It seemed like a selfish thing to do. It would certainly hurt my family. Although I believe most of my friends would probably be quite accepting of my decision, they would probably not be able to associate with me in the same way as before or might be somewhat upset with me for making them look like freaks by connection.
4. I'd read that in your late twenties, you're supposed to go through a sexual stabilization where who you are gets more ironed in. This turns out not to be a very effective iron.
5. As a normal male, my options are fairly open. As a transsexual, there is a sense of diminishing returns. Almost like I'd be throwing away the life I've been building to make one that didn't have the same potential because it started so late in the game.

Recently, this rationalization has worn off.

I've come to realize that even though my options are open, I have no real desire to pursue any of them as a male. Sure I can... but the ambition has no passion in it. Achieving goals doesn't pay off in any way that matters because the life I'm leading will never lead any where I WANT to be, only to the places I end up at the end of tasks. This might land me in interesting spots, but why should I care if I can't truly be the person who would enjoy such a place. Personal relationships are pretty similar in that no one knows me. Not even me anymore.

I'm just over thirty right now and this does have a decent amount to do with this decision. If I picture myself a 40 year old man or a 40 year old woman, there is absolutely no possibility that I would be a happy man. Even if I were rich and had the best people around me and lived in a peaceful beautiful world... the only thing that would make me happy would be becoming a woman. There is no real choice in the matter and have deluded myself into thinking that the facade I've built over the years would ever become a real person. The only way to become a better person is to allow myself my heart's desire.