Friends.

I've been meaning to update this thing for awhile now, just haven't had the time. I'm apparently more active now than I was as a guy. And much more to accomplish too. It wasn't so long ago that sedentary activities filled in a sort of morbid boredom. Now, when I'm not fairly exhausted, I have too much to do for the immediate future.

The biggest difference recently has been coming out to the rest of my friends. I've pretty much told everyone except for my family and work and its actually been extremely cathartic and gratifying experience all around. Everyone has been perfectly fine with it, I have not lost a single friend, and in many ways I feel closer to most of them because i can finally let them know me. There hasn't been anyone who has tried to talk me out of it. One friend asked me questions in a devil's advocate type way, and having had decades to think about this I think I had some good answers for him. His concern was that he liked Joe as a person and that he would be upset if I threw that away with contempt. I explained to him that Joe the persona wasn't really a person and that I have only one personality, but the face I've been putting on all these years was more of a defense mechanism than my full personality. This seemed to make sense.

It was difficult getting over my initial fear, but that increasingly faded as I told more people and socialized with them. Another hard part is that it sort of feels like meeting yourself. You show all your friends one persona whom they get to know, and when you show them your new one, the reflection of your old persona is cast back at you. When both halves of yourself meet this way, only one can survive, and i think my new persona will eventually win out in the perceptions both myself and my friends. The clash in the mean time can be somewhat uncomfortable sometimes. It's very much worth it, and valuable to resolving who and what I really am.

I think much of my success so far might have to do with two main factors. The first is just having great friends, which is probably most of this game. The other is that I seem noticeably happier and more social as Shannon then ever as a guy. And for any friends who happen to stumble across this post, I hope they know how their acceptance makes me thankful beyond words.

Many of my friends have known me as Joe for decades. To expect them to see me as female overnight I think is a fairly unrealistic goal. And not even really the most important to me. While several have completely embraced the new me by calling me Shannon and actually treating me differently (in a good way), there are a good number who still call me Joe and treat me exactly as they did before. While it would just be the tits if everyone would see me as I wish to be seen, I'm honestly extremely grateful that this revelation does not effect how some of my friends think of me at all. I think that's more important. Maybe in the future I will earn from them the perspective I would most want. However, I would never dream of insisting. As far as what to call me I tell everyone to call me as they see me and that they can even call me "asshole" if they want (so long as i know they're talking to me). If they can be tolerant of me I think it's only fair to forgive most jokes, honest frank opinions and refusals to use my chosen name. I've always been fairly difficult to offend and probably as a result, very few people try.

So, for the most part, only my family and job is left to tell. I plan on getting a better job. That's also when I plan on telling my family. I may tell them sooner though because the closer I get to full time, the more the obstacles in the way become less effective at impeding me.

Exist.

As previously mentioned, one of the things I've always been terrified of has been discovery. Through the encouragement of a friend who's done the same, I came out to a great friend this week.

At first she thought i might be playing some sort of elaborate prank on her. I even had to send her a pic of my chest... but she eventually believed me. I had to tell this person first... She'd tried harder than anyone to get to know me for YEARS, and as a guy I am completely impossible to know and extremely exasperating to say the least. When I told her, she accepted me perfectly with open arms. More so than any other time in my life, I didn't feel alone. At once my deepest darkest fears and secrets just washed away which is probably one of the most freeing thing anyone might experience. And she wants to go shopping.

We originally met during college orientation, and it's only fitting that we re-met tonight as I re-orientate. She really filled me with confidence, but on other hand, the meeting itself was a bit nervracking for me at first. I think she likes me better this way on most levels, because dealing with me as a guy is so much less open and normal (The extremes I need to go to to be NORMAL! ) It was probably one of the most normal interactions we've ever had and if anything really feel much closer to her than ever, and I think she feels the same. We definitely have more reasons to hang out and talk.

It amazes me how much letting someone know has relieved me of all the pent up fear. For once not to have anything all to hide made me feel like the whole world had suddenly become much more vivid. The way i've felt this week has also shown me how as a guy I was becoming progressively and emotionally dead inside. Almost like my male persona was a filter that would only show a fraction of the color in life. With a convienient dimmer. The only way i had for people to even remotely get to know me was always through action, and beyond that there was nothing _real_ to get to know, just a tin guard. I spent my whole life building a guard to imprison my own joy. Once that guard is dismantled, theres very little of what I was as a man remaining. I'm really looking forward to finally hatching, I think ive been incubating way too long and was on the verge of being a bad egg.

I find suddenly being capable of a whole range of emotions i was closed off from sort of intimidating, but exhilarating. If I never tried, I feel i'd be wasting my soul. I can't wait to really be.