Friends.

I've been meaning to update this thing for awhile now, just haven't had the time. I'm apparently more active now than I was as a guy. And much more to accomplish too. It wasn't so long ago that sedentary activities filled in a sort of morbid boredom. Now, when I'm not fairly exhausted, I have too much to do for the immediate future.

The biggest difference recently has been coming out to the rest of my friends. I've pretty much told everyone except for my family and work and its actually been extremely cathartic and gratifying experience all around. Everyone has been perfectly fine with it, I have not lost a single friend, and in many ways I feel closer to most of them because i can finally let them know me. There hasn't been anyone who has tried to talk me out of it. One friend asked me questions in a devil's advocate type way, and having had decades to think about this I think I had some good answers for him. His concern was that he liked Joe as a person and that he would be upset if I threw that away with contempt. I explained to him that Joe the persona wasn't really a person and that I have only one personality, but the face I've been putting on all these years was more of a defense mechanism than my full personality. This seemed to make sense.

It was difficult getting over my initial fear, but that increasingly faded as I told more people and socialized with them. Another hard part is that it sort of feels like meeting yourself. You show all your friends one persona whom they get to know, and when you show them your new one, the reflection of your old persona is cast back at you. When both halves of yourself meet this way, only one can survive, and i think my new persona will eventually win out in the perceptions both myself and my friends. The clash in the mean time can be somewhat uncomfortable sometimes. It's very much worth it, and valuable to resolving who and what I really am.

I think much of my success so far might have to do with two main factors. The first is just having great friends, which is probably most of this game. The other is that I seem noticeably happier and more social as Shannon then ever as a guy. And for any friends who happen to stumble across this post, I hope they know how their acceptance makes me thankful beyond words.

Many of my friends have known me as Joe for decades. To expect them to see me as female overnight I think is a fairly unrealistic goal. And not even really the most important to me. While several have completely embraced the new me by calling me Shannon and actually treating me differently (in a good way), there are a good number who still call me Joe and treat me exactly as they did before. While it would just be the tits if everyone would see me as I wish to be seen, I'm honestly extremely grateful that this revelation does not effect how some of my friends think of me at all. I think that's more important. Maybe in the future I will earn from them the perspective I would most want. However, I would never dream of insisting. As far as what to call me I tell everyone to call me as they see me and that they can even call me "asshole" if they want (so long as i know they're talking to me). If they can be tolerant of me I think it's only fair to forgive most jokes, honest frank opinions and refusals to use my chosen name. I've always been fairly difficult to offend and probably as a result, very few people try.

So, for the most part, only my family and job is left to tell. I plan on getting a better job. That's also when I plan on telling my family. I may tell them sooner though because the closer I get to full time, the more the obstacles in the way become less effective at impeding me.

Balls.

For the most part, I've never been the type who scares or worries easily. In my school days, this contributed to the trouble I constantly found myself in. Bullies avoided me because I was too much trouble. I rarely shied away from a dare and was outspoken enough to say things people wanted to say but were afraid to.

Why?

Balls of course. Balls are a Transgender MTF's primary distinguishing feature in many ways. This is by necessity. Not only just because without them we'd be girls... but also because in comparison to the terrible fear of your trans nature being exposed, everything else is fairly mundane. Most kids go through their rebellious stage in their teens, while TG's need to start much earlier. They need to know how to stash clothes away from prying mothers, find places and privacy to express themselves, put on make-up and remove it without a trace, read their sisters seventeen mags, and always have a plan for when things go wrong. Always be able to hold your composure when your heart is beating in your ears. Practically from birth, TG's are grown to be devious and ninja like. Ninjas might have a wise old master, but in the days before the BBS or internet, a young TG was primarily a support system of one. No one could know. And when you finally are old enough to venture out, you learn from hard embarrassing mistakes. There's nothing quite like being thrown out of a fitting room... So, if your balls are larger than your shame, you too may have a future as a TG.

When I first started going out in public (way back when), I used to get changed in my car. This had led to several awkward moments with befuddled police officers which I talked my way out of. I used to take the bus to New York get changed in a men's room somewhere and explore the city. I have walked many many miles in badly fitting high heels in Hell's Kitchen (before I knew what Hell's Kitchen was) at all hours. I've seen some REAL seedy clubs and surreal places and people. I've had strange romances. I've been followed and threatened by crazy pimps and crack whores. Yep, it can take balls to be TG. Aside from the moments like these and countless others I've had in skirts, I don't think I've ever had cause to be afraid as a man in my life.

I read recently that TG's are on average slightly more intelligent than most people. I wonder if this has more to do with growing up so devious, having so much adventure and having nothing but your wits to get you in and out of all manner of situations. This also, seems to have some commonalities to profiles of serial killers. No regrets though, I'd rather wear panties than torture animals any day.

These days, I'm hoping to retire my balls and be a normal girl. But I'll always have the memories and maybe some scars.

Facade.

The obligatory introduction seems a good way to start this blog. Who I am is an interesting question. I suppose expressing myself in this blog and getting feedback might help me explore the answer to that. I used to think I knew, only to realize my growth as a person has somewhat halted. If it sounds like I'm avoiding the question, that's been part of the problem. The inescapable feeling that you were born the wrong gender sort of encourages this.

The inclination toward changing sexes has always been with me for as long as I can remember. I started going out in public as a female (when I could) in my late teens and eventually stopped in my mid-twenties. I thought that I had finally gotten a grip on myself, and the rationalizations made quite a bit of sense and lasted several years. I'd become much more like a brain in a jar in certain ways in how I viewed my body. I convinced myself that to transition from male to female would be harmful in several ways such as:

1. It would involve destroying parts of my body both surgically and chemically. This seemed at the time to be a bad health decision.
2. My potential professionally was probably better as a male rather than a transsexual. While I like the ideal that business will be so accepting, I do not believe the world is this way.
3. It seemed like a selfish thing to do. It would certainly hurt my family. Although I believe most of my friends would probably be quite accepting of my decision, they would probably not be able to associate with me in the same way as before or might be somewhat upset with me for making them look like freaks by connection.
4. I'd read that in your late twenties, you're supposed to go through a sexual stabilization where who you are gets more ironed in. This turns out not to be a very effective iron.
5. As a normal male, my options are fairly open. As a transsexual, there is a sense of diminishing returns. Almost like I'd be throwing away the life I've been building to make one that didn't have the same potential because it started so late in the game.

Recently, this rationalization has worn off.

I've come to realize that even though my options are open, I have no real desire to pursue any of them as a male. Sure I can... but the ambition has no passion in it. Achieving goals doesn't pay off in any way that matters because the life I'm leading will never lead any where I WANT to be, only to the places I end up at the end of tasks. This might land me in interesting spots, but why should I care if I can't truly be the person who would enjoy such a place. Personal relationships are pretty similar in that no one knows me. Not even me anymore.

I'm just over thirty right now and this does have a decent amount to do with this decision. If I picture myself a 40 year old man or a 40 year old woman, there is absolutely no possibility that I would be a happy man. Even if I were rich and had the best people around me and lived in a peaceful beautiful world... the only thing that would make me happy would be becoming a woman. There is no real choice in the matter and have deluded myself into thinking that the facade I've built over the years would ever become a real person. The only way to become a better person is to allow myself my heart's desire.