Exist.

As previously mentioned, one of the things I've always been terrified of has been discovery. Through the encouragement of a friend who's done the same, I came out to a great friend this week.

At first she thought i might be playing some sort of elaborate prank on her. I even had to send her a pic of my chest... but she eventually believed me. I had to tell this person first... She'd tried harder than anyone to get to know me for YEARS, and as a guy I am completely impossible to know and extremely exasperating to say the least. When I told her, she accepted me perfectly with open arms. More so than any other time in my life, I didn't feel alone. At once my deepest darkest fears and secrets just washed away which is probably one of the most freeing thing anyone might experience. And she wants to go shopping.

We originally met during college orientation, and it's only fitting that we re-met tonight as I re-orientate. She really filled me with confidence, but on other hand, the meeting itself was a bit nervracking for me at first. I think she likes me better this way on most levels, because dealing with me as a guy is so much less open and normal (The extremes I need to go to to be NORMAL! ) It was probably one of the most normal interactions we've ever had and if anything really feel much closer to her than ever, and I think she feels the same. We definitely have more reasons to hang out and talk.

It amazes me how much letting someone know has relieved me of all the pent up fear. For once not to have anything all to hide made me feel like the whole world had suddenly become much more vivid. The way i've felt this week has also shown me how as a guy I was becoming progressively and emotionally dead inside. Almost like my male persona was a filter that would only show a fraction of the color in life. With a convienient dimmer. The only way i had for people to even remotely get to know me was always through action, and beyond that there was nothing _real_ to get to know, just a tin guard. I spent my whole life building a guard to imprison my own joy. Once that guard is dismantled, theres very little of what I was as a man remaining. I'm really looking forward to finally hatching, I think ive been incubating way too long and was on the verge of being a bad egg.

I find suddenly being capable of a whole range of emotions i was closed off from sort of intimidating, but exhilarating. If I never tried, I feel i'd be wasting my soul. I can't wait to really be.